I am sad. It's so frustrating because I don't know why I'm sad. There is no reason for me to be sad this morning. Nothing has happened. It came from nowhere. But I am, I am sad. Sad, panicked, despondent, negative, anxious, woeful. The sad feeling has come from seemingly nowhere with no obvious cause but the feeling of sad makes me come up with all sorts of reasons why "of course I'm sad" this and this and this that is always bothering me, in the back of my mind. But I wasn't thinking those things before I got sad, they came after so they aren't why I got sad, they're just popping up because of the sad. I mean, I guess they're always there, in the back of my brain even when I'm not consciously thinking about it so maybe they are why.
Anyway.
I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to feel sad until I don't but in the mean time I'm going to get on with what I was planning to get on with. Sometimes it's good to just have a sit down and be sad and not do anything else. It's good to feel things. But that doesn't feel right today, that would just make me sadder and give more fuel to all the bad things being sad makes me think about myself.
I have washed my hair, I have had a good breakfast. Let's do a day.
12:53pm
I spent the morning photographing my new patches and editing the photos and getting the listings sorted and active on my etsy and now I am hungry. It is very much time for lunch and not that you have to earn lunch but I feel like I really have. Current mood: proud (and hungry).
While I worked I started listening to Death In The Afternoon (podcast) and am really enjoying it. Which is not a surprise because I love Ask A Mortician and also Caitlin's first book (I haven't read her second one yet, I'm sure it's great too). Lunch.
4:20pm
Don't you just love to post some work you worked really hard on in an attempt to pay for food and all that happens is you lose followers. *thumbs up*
It's fine, I know really that if my work made someone realise they wanted to unfollow me then it's good they're gone. I can't help but feel a little put down by it despite the logic, but it's fine. The number doesn't matter it's the quality of the followers, or something, that sounds like a weird way to describe people. I don't know. Wah!
5.18pm
I drew so many chickens. Finding chicken reference was harder than I thought it'd be though. Poor cooked chooks. But even aside from all the food posts, I searched "hen on nest" on pinterest and every single image was ceramic/glass ornament/bowl things?! I just want to see some chooks!
It was a slow start on the drawing. After lunch I was wondering whether I just needed a longer break because I'd worked hard in the morning but it felt like excuses so I went and got Tank and put him on my lap so I'd feel too guilty to get up and I just started drawing and it took what felt like a long time to get going (and I obviously got a little distracted in the middle because I was here at 4:20) but making myself just get on with it really worked as it does most of the time. Think I've had enough of this awful-for-my-back chair for today though, I really need a new one, and am going to maybe read in the garden for a bit if it's not too cold.
8:18pm
I sat in the garden for a bit, there are some mushrooms growing. They're bowl shaped and are getting really big. There's also a flower growing out from where we buried Snickers almost two years ago which is really sweet. Now I'm full of noodles and am feeling cosy. A much better end to the day than the start. It actually turned out to be super productive. Plus, I sold two of the patches I listed earlier! I was worried they wouldn't sell at all (thanks brain) so I'm very grateful to have two go so soon. Now I'm gonna drink tea till I fall asleep.
Bye :)
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