A slow week ~ weekly vlog

This past week was so nothing-y but didn't drag and didn't go by quickly, it just kind of happened but didn't really leave any news or impressions on me. But there are always rats so here is my vlog and a few photos from the week.




pattern

My face

I don't like photos of me. I never have. It's a kind of recent but not (I think I've mentioned it here a few times) and ongoing thing that I want to like photos of me so every now and then I remember to try and take a photo and not hate it. Whenever I take selfies I think "this time I will just post it to my insta stories or my twitter like everyone else does and I won't worry about it". Then I can't bring myself to post the picture because I think I look weird or dead in the eyes or like I'm trying too hard or just generally "but why would anyone want to see a photo of me, I don't look cool or interesting or have anything to say to go along with it I'm not even doing anything interesting to take a photo of my hair doesn't look good my clothes aren't new I'm not anywhere different why am I taking this photo".




I like seeing photos of other people. I want to have photos of me. I don't need for other people to want to see photos of me but I think a "good" photo of yourself isn't even a real thing, standards of beauty and how we present ourselves are fucked up and I want nothing to do with it and maybe that's enough of a reason to post a photo that doesn't look "good".
And yet.
I look at a photo of myself and rather than being like, "yes, that's my face" I think about how it doesn't look "right" and that's stupid and doesn't even mean anything and I don't want to think that anymore.
So, here I am, trying to not hate my face. I might not be succeeding yet but surely if I take enough photos that can change. Maybe I'll even start posting them to my insta stories without worrying what people might think about it.

Trying not to forget

I've felt very stale and not very creative lately. I've always loved taking photos but sometimes forget so I took some photos of my Tuesday and Wednesday even though I wasn't really up to anything much.



I thought I'd read the 2nd Lumberjanes trade but apparently not, luckily I'd brought it home from the library anyway along with the 3rd trade and also Make Your Own Luck by Kate Moross which looks really good.



When it's windy our door bangs. This kind of helps.



I put out some halloween decorations. I've had that librarian badge since junior school where I got given it when I helped out in the library. I was so glad when I found it a few years ago ^_^



Tank being a good, brave, snuggly, babe (the camera shutter used to make him jump but he's getting braver by the day). My desk, featuring a card sent by my mum.



I made my kawaii Cthulhu amigurumi available as a pattern and re-shaved my side shave. Getting rid of those tufts made me feel a lot better.



The light is a mixture of not enough and really pretty at the minute. Our house just doesn't let enough of it in, I should really go outside more.

Nerd Burger Commission!

I was asked by Cazz aka Nerd Burger to illustrate her new icon, text and background for all of her online stuff. (How do we talk about all the places we are online? Online presence is all I can think of and it sounds too formal and weird for me to say but it took me ages to accept selfie as a word too so I dunno.) I'd already been a fan of hers for ages so that was a pretty good message to get!



I've been in a bit of a creative slump lately and while I still feel like I'm in the middle of it (self motivated work is different than work for other people so even though I did this and feel proud of it it hasn't really got me anywhere with knowing what I'm doing for my own things because it feels totally separate even though both are obviously mine, yay brains) having this work to do gave me some time where I was working and did some work I'm really proud of.

I couldn't believe it when I got the message. I've been following Cazz through her blog, youtube, instagram and twitter for ages and think she's awesome and now she was approaching me for my art! It would have felt pretty good any day but it came at a really good time for me (see previously mentioned art slump). Then there was a day or two of pure anxiety about it where I had to constantly remind myself that actually yes I could do it and do it well and she wasn't making a mistake and would suddenly realise and not want me to do it anymore but once I got properly started on the pieces that faded a lot and I could concentrate on the work without constantly doubting myself.
And I had so much fun! It was a great project to have the chance to do and I'm so thankful to Cazz for trusting me with it.

She has started using my work already and it's so weird and awesome to see my drawings pop up whenever I look at her posts/videos ^_^

rats, rats, rats

Last week I was mostly working on a commission that I wasn't going to share till it was finished and I didn't really take any photos or film anything but luckily I have three beautiful rat friends who were itching to make up for the lack of rat in last weeks vlog.

pretty skies

Ok so this vlog and my last update post kind of overlap and make everything weird. I maybe need to re-evaluate how I do these posts but whatever. I'm pretty sure I already explained Pixel's current state/last vet visit and now we're halfway through this course of antibiotics and he is still taking them like the good cheese fiend he is.




I got asked to draw a new icon for someone I'm already a fan of this week which is pretty exciting, when I can shut up the anxiety and self doubt anyway. But it is a really fun commission and I can't wait to see it finished and in use.




I don't know if it's always this pretty and I don't normally notice or if the sky has been on finer form this week but there have been a few nights recently where everything is just so pink and lovely. I love autumn (we found a small slug in the house this morning so it does have it's down sides)(what's it like to live in a house that fits together properly?)



Shameless self promotion time. I'd really love it if you would get yourself or a friend something from any of my shops, it's a pretty slow time of year and Pixel is trying real hard to be the most expensive rat ever so any purchases would be even more appreciated than usual ^_^
Also, if there's something crochet you want from my Etsy shop I probably won't be making more of them so you really should snap it up now anyway.
I'm also at a weird place where I'm saving up for a tablet so I can be more productive but that's kind of stopping me from spending money on other materials, so I'm having lots of plans for things I want to make and not being able to buy the stuff I need to make them (which will stop me from earning money from these ideas and plans) and needing to buy a nebuliser for Pixel is going to eat into saving for the tablet so that whole thing is going to take even longer.
That damn pricey rat, that damn pricey, adorable, so soft, funny, little weirdo rat that I love so much and want to heal so badly (♡˙︶˙♡) 
But yeah, buy things please, look at his little face, don't you want to help that little face ^_^ 

painting my dungarees

I love my dungarees dress. It's a size too big and it's comfy and it's cute but I put it on recently and it made me feel bad. I have issues with leaving the house and feeling like I don't look good. Not in a way that is about whether I look acceptable to other people but I don't often feel like I look like myself and on different days it bothers me different amounts for different reasons. While getting upset about not having clothes that I feel suit me I reminded myself that I could totally just paint stuff. So I did. And I love it.




Just in case it isn't clear from the video here's how I did it:
I cut a circle in some tracing paper the size I wanted my circles to be.
I used a pointy brush to trace the circles onto the fabric, being careful not to get paint on the stencil so I didn't smudge paint everywhere later, then took off the tracing paper and used a wider brush to fill in the circle.
The paint I used was some cheap acrylic from Tiger (they have some really nice colours) mixed with fabric medium.
Repeat randomly all over the place.
I had a piece of card under the first section but the paint wasn't going through the fabric anyway.
Then I left it on the floor (I could have hung it up lol) for 2 days until the paint wasn't tacky anymore, I think it took a while because of the cord type fabric, and ironed it on the reverse side to set the paint.
Easy!

a calmer week, includes painting

So, since my last post where I was very tired and sad I've had a much better week mentally. Pixel finally took a whole weeks worth of medicine, every last drop. He remained a cheese fiend for the whole week, sometimes it went so easy it felt like we hadn't given him the medicine yet. While it didn't get rid of the whistle in his nose completely he was squeaking a lot less and we felt pretty good about it. We went to the vet again this morning (tuesday, screw trying to have some weird weekly post thing going on, I always run too late to bother with it) and she agreed that he sounded better and said his lungs were fine which is a relief, even if it's not going away completely at least it hasn't moved down either. She gave us a couple of options and what we've gone with is another week of the two antibiotics seeing as they seemed to help last week while we sort out some money to get a nebuliser for him which will come with some magic potion that will actively work to fight the bacteria as he breathes it in. She said we can put all 3 rats in there and it should even help stop any of them flaring up too. It's pricey (it's not one you can just buy for yourself, it needs to be one that will make the vapour particles tiny enough to get in a rats lungs) but once we've bought it we have it forever and we feel it's worth it because rats are magic. It would be an especially good time to buy things from me though... He also has put on another 5 grams so all in all, he's doing ok which makes me happy.




In other news, last week I avoided a mental melt down about clothes/self esteem by realising I could paint my dungarees which I did and I think they turned out really nice. I filmed a process video but still want to add a bit on the end of me showing them off. I also made my September zine. I can't remember if I mentioned here before but I think I'm kind of done with the monthly zines. I was using them to show myself that I was actually drawing when I felt like I wasn't and to also end up with a tangible something that I'd made on a regular basis. I think they've done their job but I also really want a whole years worth so I'm going to do them right through so that I have a 2017 set. I do still like them but the process can be a bit boring.



A trip to Pets At Home for rat food turned into just a lot of oooohing and ahhhhing at all the adorable animals. That pink eyed gerbil(❤ω❤)



It's the best time of year again, this means stodgy food and cosy snuggles and colourful walks ^_^

InstaSnowLineStoryApp #15

sad and tired

I had a hard time last week. If you watch the vlog you can see me get progressively more worn down. I actually thought about keeping the vlog private but the combination of knowing not many people (maybe no one) will watch it and wanting to be open and honest I thought I may as well make it public. It doesn't have any deep, dark info about me, it's just not very fun to watch. I get in such conflicts with myself about only putting positive fun things out into the world but also believing that sharing and talking about tough stuff is really important.



I've just been super stressed, super tired and super trying to not just cave and do nothing. So I did manage to make myself a new purse which I painted, sewed and added lining to only half of because I want to see how various things hold up to maybe make some for work. I filmed me making this and sped it up time lapse style (is time lapse specific to photos? I dunno) and I'll put that video in here too. I also did do some drawings I like, especially this one which I like mostly because I added stickers.




Pixel update: he got wise to the meds being in the baby food and we ended up having to syringe it into his mouth again so that he'd at least get some of it but he totally learnt how to just hold it in front of his tongue and then wipe it all over Will. We had our 3rd vet visit and they added a new antibiotic and said we didn't need to bother with the anti-inflammatory seeing as that was most difficult to get him to eat. So he's now on two different antibiotics twice a day and we are at last successfully hiding them in cheesy cauliflower and broccoli baby food and squeezy cheese. Turns out he's a cheese fiend. He is actually getting full doses of medicine now which is good to know. He may or may not stop wheezing after this but at least we know now that he will have had a whole course. (Fingers crossed anyway, every time I go to give it to him I expect it to be the time he cottons on and doesn't want it anymore!) He had also put on 5 grams which is nothing for a rat of his age but it's better than him losing weight so I'm at least massively relieved by that.



It's a few days now since the last day in the vlog and I'm still stressed and tired but I'm feeling a bit better and I'm actively making plans and little actions to make myself feel better too. Writing stuff like this down always sounds so dramatic (and I feel like I say it over and over again way to often) and I'm not trying to be dramatic I just really am having a hard time with myself and I'm making an effort to fix it👍