Lockdown/Mental Health Brain Dump

Just some thoughts and photos from my lockdown so far.

I'm wrestling with lots of thoughts that I normally do anyway that are being triggered by that new year/birthday/new starting point in time kind of thing, "I have this lockdown period to sort myself out and become the good version of myself" and obviously that's bad, we're always changing and evolving and it's much healthier I think to work on being happy how you are than to be aiming for a different version of yourself. Not that you can't work on changing things but you're good now and you'd still be good if you achieved that thing.

Anyway, I've been thinking about how I spend my time and this lockdown situation has simultaneously triggered that whole deadline aspect which is maybe not great but within that there is that feeling of "cool, ok, I can get this done now" there are things I've already been working on getting better at and maybe this is an opportunity to move forward with it. I really want to work harder and I have a lot of mental block to work on, I hold myself back when it comes to work, a lot and I'm also working on the fact that I feel like time spent not working is wasted time. When actually, considering my work is art and being creative, doing other things feeds that and is not just useful but necessary, I mean relaxing and hobbies are necessary for everybody but I'm being self-involved here and just talking about myself.

I've been working on these things for a while but this whole staying in the house thing has taken away all the thoughts of "I need to get out of the house more" which is another thing I need to work on but for now it's one less thing in my head, maybe this is a chance to concentrate on how I spend my time while I am in the house and then when I can start going out again I'll work on that.

But I'm worried I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. Chances are I'm not going to make any magical life changes in the next few weeks and I don't want that to cause some sort of relapse and set myself back again with lots of "well, that deadline passed and I'm still useless". Or is this just me holding myself back some more?

This train of thought is all over the place. Basically I feel like I don't know how to exist properly and I've been working on it and the enforced social distancing has made me feel like I have a deadline. It's hard to put into words but I hold myself back from work I guess because of anxiety or whatever else mental problems and then I feel like I haven't earned rest/hobby time so I don't fully make use of that either. This isn't new I just feel like being stuck in the house might give me chance to make some progress? I hope so anyway. I've been working on it for a while and I do feel like I've been getting somewhere but I'm also just a bit sick of myself.