Some brain mess

I wrote a really long post that I'm keeping for myself but it was sad and whingey and while that is how I feel and it's fine, it's not what I want to contribute to the world so I've cut it up and tried to include the positives and a bit of what I'm having trouble with, without so much of the negative in there. There is a place for sharing all of the worst bits but that's not what I want to do today :)
I hope this makes sense because when I read it through I have all the other stuff in my head so it's hard to tell *_*

I really want to update my blog more but am having trouble with it. The main thing is I've always tended to blog around photos I've taken but I'm not taking so many photos these days. Not because I don't want to but I just don't feel like I have much to photograph. I've fallen out with Norwich and so don't very often take my camera with me, it feels like home doesn't change enough to take regular photos that wouldn't be repetitive and I don't really go anywhere. This is definitely something I can work on though, I just need to see the interest in what is around me. I know I'd like seeing someone else's everyday "boring" photos so why can't I take mine? I take lots of photos on my phone, mainly of the rats but they're always blurry and my new phone is awful at photos in the house, it tries too hard to make a "good" photo and just totally over saturates everything in a really weird way. They always look like they've got horrible filters on them.

My blog has always really just been a diary but I'm not doing anything. I mainly sit around feeling like I can't make good work, not earning enough money, how do I get more money, I want to go to Japan, I'm not sure that can ever happen because I have no money, then crying about how much I want to visit japan. I don't want much but oh boy do I want to go to Japan.

I take photos and then put them here so if I'm not taking photos I have nothing to put here but I want to be putting things here so I need to figure out what that can be. Maybe I should hone my skills in talking about things I like beyond just, here's a thing, I like it.

My main problem is definitely mental and I'm working on various things and that will hopefully lead to changes. It's an evil circle of needing to work because I need the money but not feeling creative (I'll have ideas when i cant do anything about it and then when i sit down to work i cant think of anything and just start to panic) so maybe I need to do something else, rest, feel inspired and come back to the work but I have no money to go and do something inspiring so then I just feel even more pressure to be creative because I need the money. Damn money.

I'm so lucky and i hate to feel sad and lacking and the fact that i've missed out on stuff is my own fault but that doesn't mean that missing out on things isn't hard to deal with.

I have this blog, twitter, instagram, making videos and keeping a diary and then sketchbooks that I worry about repeating myself or spreading myself too thin and then i think about things to the point where it feels like i've shared it and repeated myself too much when i haven't actually put it anywhere.

The photo and the instagram story version. I really want a screen pen for my phone :)

I'm working on trying to calm down and worry less and just do whatever. it's a tiny thing but the other day in tiger i wanted to take a picture of some pens i'd picked up and i did and it wasn't right so i wanted to take another and someone was trying to get in to look at something i was in the way of so i moved back and then still took my picture. i would normally have been freaked out and nervous of a person and just left, i probably wouldn't have even taken the first picture before the person was even near me. It's not a big thing for most people i assume but it felt like a big thing to me. The fact as well that i just did it, i didn't think about it and then make myself do it i was just in a weird new place where i was moving around in the world not thinking about other people in relation to me. like, not in a dick way, i'm not stomping around being rude but just that i could do what i was doing and other people can do what they're doing and its fine. i don't need to shrink away and not exist. i can exist too.

Basically i'm a whingey baby about things that i should just work harder at to fix and find things to be happy about rather than dwelling on what i don't have. It's hard tho innit.