End of the Year

I wrote this blog post a few times over the past few weeks and never actually posted anything.
It's funny reading it back, seeing all the different moods and feelings but the general points not changing.
I've deleted most of it, this is the final draft, re-written and actually posted.
There are only four days left of the year and I want to do a blog post and I want to post these photos that have nothing to do with anything.

*I'm giving up on December. I would say "I'm just gonna sleep for the next two weeks" but i need actual rest and sleep isn't a restful thing right now. My throat hurts, I can't breathe properly and I wake up every hour with a dry painful throat unable to swallow properly. I'm so sick of being sick and all i wanted this month was to work really hard on new items for my shop and have a nice fancy start to the year with all new things and fun lucky bags of the older things and just be in a good place in terms of work at least. But I've just been ill and useless (more useless than usual) and I'm over it.*

My colds are mostly gone now. I still can't taste or smell everything properly though.

I'm normally quite reflective at the end of the year but I'm not really feeling it this time. I think I messed up and I think there were hard things and I want to move on from thinking so much. I've reflected too much without moving forward. I want to be thoughtful but I don't really want to think about things anymore. I don't know if that even makes sense but I know what I mean.

*But even this is more thinking and trying to sort it out. How many of these blog posts have I written. I'm so annoyed at myself. I think I'm reaching breaking point. I'm not going to put up with myself anymore. I need to stop.*

Resolutions? Goals? Um, I want to just get on with it? Is that a goal? Do things without them needing to be added to a list so I remember to do them at some point. Actually live?

I'm pretty sure I've been holding myself back and I need to relax and live and let my brain come up with stuff and do the work when it comes and do the hobbies when it doesn't.

*I've been trying to remind myself lately that I don't have to go work behind a till or get to the office or look after kids or any of the other things people are dealing with, why don't i take advantage of that? What's the point of dealing with all the negatives of the lifestyle I chose if I don't take proper advantage of the positives?
I need to actually rest and with that will come the creative productivity that I want. Not because I think I should be productive but because making things is so important to me and makes me feel like myself. The need to make money from it is just it's own issue, it's not why i want to be doing it in the first place.
If I'm not getting anything done anyway then i may as well get nothing done in a resting way than a stressful energy zapping panic way.*

Stop being a dummy.

I've already been making changes and I'm already changing. I'm not waiting for a magical date change to fix me but also I love the magic of that date change.

I've been wondering about starting again with the blog. I want a blog but I've been taking my full name off of my profiles and such. I'm not sure why but it feels right so I'm doing it. I don't think I can change the url and keep the blog? I'd have to start over? Can I make this private so I can keep it? Deleting this would be tough but maybe it'd be good for me. I hang on to things. I dunno. A lot of the photos got deleted anyway.

Wait. I didn't add it to a list for later. I checked and it looks like I can change my url. Awesome, now I just need to decide what it should be...