Sharky and Pixel had been ill for a while and got much worse over the course of the same week and we decided it was time to let them go together. We were really hoping that Sharky would die at home because taking him to the vet caused him so much stress but we also didn't want him to be hurting more than he needed to. Will went and spoke to the vets about it and arranged an appointment and literally within about 10 minutes of Will getting home Sharky died on my lap, all four of us were sat together and he just went really peacefully. This was about an hour and a half before we had our appointment so Pixel didn't even have to be the only rat left which we knew he wouldn't have coped well with at all. For such a horrible thing, it worked out the best way possible.
We're pretty sure Pixel had said goodbye to Sharky the day before, he just seemed to be grooming him and sitting with him in a slightly different way, he knew it was happening, like we did. I'm glad he didn't have to be lonely rat.
I am so broken by them dying. They were my whole life. We were a family, they meant so much to me, made me a better person and literally everything is connected to them. Rats are magic, they are like us, it's such a mutual connection. It's going to take a really long time to get used to them not being here.
When Tank died it was awful but we had the other two to look after us and to hang out with. This is so much worse.
Going downstairs the first morning was scary, I had to make myself get out of bed at the usual time rather than just laying there and avoiding it. Even on a good day the first thing I'd do is say hello to the rats, tidy up any poo and old food, put in new food and water and recently with Sharky being so clingy my mornings were dictated by whether he needed to come out or not, whether my morning would start with an hour or so of just sitting on the sofa with him and Pixel had been having medicine in the morning that I'd have to sort out. Once they were sorted and safe I'd have a shower and have my breakfast (which I'd share with them). Coming downstairs now I have nothing I need to do except for myself and just getting on with my day. It's a big change. I don't want to start a new routine that doesn't have them in it.
Some things that have caught me off guard because my whole life is them:
Putting away the teaspoons. I've been giving the rats medicine for a long time and I mix it and give it to them on a teaspoon.
I was getting changed and thought "I'll put a cardigan on instead of this jumper because Sharky likes to get in it".
Leaving the house the first time (and second time, there hasn't been a third time yet) upset me. Not having them to say goodbye to, knowing no one was at home. Coming back and them not being there to say hello to and to be said hello to when I got home.
I was going to keep adding to this list but honestly, everything makes me think of them so I'll leave it here. I started writing this a few days ago and I still feel broken. I'm making myself go through the motions of day to day, I get up, I take showers, I eat, I tidy up, I go out, I'm trying to start work again, because I know I should, because how bad would I spiral if I didn't so I'm making myself do these things. It's weird to think from the outside I would look like I was getting on ok but I know how empty it feels to be doing the things.
I feel like I must sound so dramatic but it's how I'm feeling and I know it will get easier with time, I know but right now I'm just so sad and sad doesn't even get close to covering it.
They were perfect magic and they made me a better person and I'm going to work really hard at being that better person as my own little way of honouring them.
They were very special and I miss them so much.
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